Maddy Archambault, LAC
In recent years, the concept of nervous system regulation has gained cultural traction—and for good reason. Learning to calm our bodies is essential for managing stress, anxiety, and trauma.
However, many of us have unintentionally misinterpreted this practice, believing that any uncomfortable emotion is bad or must be regulated away as quickly as possible.
This overcorrection can mean that we end up emotionally bypassing, which is the avoidance of uncomfortable emotions entirely. Ironically, this suppression knocks us right back into the exact thing we were hoping to avoid — dysregulation!
The true antidote to dysregulation is authentic expression. Authentic expression is any means of bringing what is inside to the outside: crying; talking through; making art; writing about; etc.
True Healing Comes Through Feeling
Regulating your nervous system does not mean avoiding discomfort; but instead building a capacity to sit with it. After all, life isn’t free of stressors. True regulation is encountering those stressors and being able to respond to them with intention.
You can be regulated without being calm. For example, a mother tending to her crying child in the grocery store may be stressed, overstimulated, and alert; but with a healthy window of tolerance, she can remain present and in control. She can still practice compassion, thoughtfulness and patience. She is just regulated enough to access brain centers that are in charge of rational thinking.
Dysregulation, on the other hand, is when stress is so intense that it inhibits our ability to respond with intention. It often manifests as impulsivity and reactivity.
How to Tell the Difference
Here are a few key questions to help you decipher between emotional bypassing and true regulation:
- Am I trying to escape the discomfort? Bypassing often comes with an urgency to “fix” or “get rid of” uncomfortable emotions. True regulation acknowledges that discomfort is part of being human and allows it to be present.
- Am I giving myself permission to feel? If you’re skipping over the process of sitting with your feelings, you’re likely bypassing. Regulation starts with validation: “It’s okay to feel this way.”
- Am I engaging with the emotion or avoiding it? Bypassing might look like distraction (scrolling, bingeing, numbing) or forcing positivity (“This isn’t a big deal, I need to be strong”). True regulation leans into curiosity—asking, “What is this feeling telling me?”
Ok – but how do I sit in my emotions?
The acronym RAIN, first coined by Michele McDonald, is an easy-to-remember way to feel your feelings:
- R – Recognize: Notice and identify the emotions you are feeling.
- A – Allow: Accept the emotions without trying to push them away.
- I – Investigate: Gently explore your emotions and bodily sensations related to them.
- N – Nurture: Respond to your emotions with self-compassion and kindness.
The Bottom Line
Regulation isn’t about eliminating discomfort; it’s about learning to coexist with it in a way that aligns with your values and intentions. When we stop rushing to bypass emotions and instead honor them as part of our human experience, we create the conditions for true healing.
Remember: You don’t have to feel “good” to be regulated—you just have to stay connected to yourself.
Counseling Hoboken; Mollie Busino, LCSW, Director of Mindful Power. Mollie has had extensive training in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, Fertility Counseling, and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Her work focuses on Anxiety, Depression, Anger Management, Career Changes, OCD, Relationship, Dating Challenges, Insomnia, & Postpartum Depression and Anxiety.
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